BDSM is an acronym that refers various sexual practices that fall under the categories of bondage and discipline (BD), dominance and submission (DS), and sadism and masochism (SM). BDSM is considered a kink, and there is a fairly large community of people who enjoy partaking in it. Because BDSM often involves the use of physical restraints, relinquishing control to one’s partner(s), and the infliction of pain, most BDSM practices involve a higher level of risk than non-kinky sexual activities.¹ In addition to the usual risks that come with sex such as sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and pregnancy, there are a multitude of risks that come with practicing certain BDSM activities. This article highlights the physical as well as the emotional and psychological risks associated with a variety of the most common BDSM practices and provides information about how to best mitigate these risks by implementing safety measures in one’s BDSM practice. 

Consent

Like any sexual activity, BDSM must always involve informed consent. Though BDSM is characterized by its rough nature, it is still necessary that all parties involved in a BDSM scene (the term used to describe a BDSM interaction that has been pre-negotiated by all parties involved) consent to everything that happens.¹ BDSM that does not involve fully informed consent from all parties is abuse. Over the years, the BDSM community has adopted several frameworks for consent in BDSM contexts that are meant to guide practitioners and emphasize to outsiders the true nature of BDSM.¹ One commonly used framework is “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” (SSC), but this framework has been criticized for the use of ‘sane’, a stigmatized psychological term with no bearing on BDSM, and ‘safe’, because much of the appeal of certain BDSM practices is the risk involved.¹ A new framework was introduced that addressed some of these issues, Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK). RACK removes the safe and sane qualifiers, allowing practitioners to take calculated risks while still keeping consent as the central tenet.¹ In 2014, a third framework was proposed; the 4 Cs, Consent, Communication, Caring, and Caution, which maintains the consent and communication concepts from SSC and RACK while also emphasizing caring and taking risk-aware precautions.² Throughout, this article will touch on how to ensure different forms of BDSM practice follow this framework. 

Most people that participate in BDSM take part in some sort of power-exchange dynamic that results in an imbalance of power during the scene.³ This poses a challenge to obtaining consent in the same way one would for non-kinky sex. Consent for BDSM practitioners should be obtained through a thorough pre-scene negotiation between everyone involved.³ This negotiation should be performed outside of the dynamic of the scene so that everyone is equally able to communicate and advocate for their boundaries.³ Negotiations should include discussion of what the scene will entail and the soft and hard limits of both parties. Soft limits are activities that an individual is wary of, but willing to try, and hard limits are activities that the person will not participate in under any circumstances.³  Someone’s hard limits should never be infringed upon unless explicit consent has been given.³ 

Although negotiations should happen before the scene begins, it is still necessary for BDSMers to be able to grant and revoke consent throughout the scene.³ One way BDSM practitioners re-negotiate consent during a scene is through a safeword system. The most common system is the traffic light system, wherein saying the word ‘green’ indicates that everything is great, saying ‘yellow’ indicates that something is not right and play should slow or stop completely so that consent can be re-negotiated, and saying ‘red’ indicates that an individual has revoked their consent, meaning that all play must cease immediately.^3,4 

Aftercare

Aftercare is the time one takes to attend to their own emotional and physical needs, as well as their partner’s after a scene’s completion.⁵ Aftercare involves all of a scene’s participants and is meant to help said participants adjust from participating in activities inspired by a fantasy and fully return to reality.⁶ Participants can partake in aftercare with one another or alone, depending on their individual needs. In addition, different types of play require different types of aftercare. Aftercare for a degradation and humiliation scene will not necessarily be the same as aftercare for an intense flogging session. For impact play (spanking, flogging, paddling, etc), aftercare should focus more on taking care of the physical needs of the submissive partner (or colloquially, ‘sub’), whereas for a scene involving heavy power exchange and mental domination, aftercare should focus more on caring for the submissive’s emotional state.⁷ All aftercare should involve communication about what all parties liked and disliked about the scene to aid in future negotiations. Examples of aftercare activities include:⁷

• Taking a bath or shower together
• Massages with oil 
• Icing any bruises
• Cuddles and kisses
• Eating chocolate or other comfort foods
• Rehydrating with water and electrolytes 
• Watching a movie or television show together
• Discussing how the scene went
• Assuring one’s partner that their kinks are not weird or perverse 
• Affirming one’s love and positive feelings towards their partner

Furthermore, aftercare helps submissives reduce the symptoms of ‘drop’, a phenomenon in which BDSMers experience a decline in their energy and mood after finishing a scene.⁸ Dominant partners (or colloquially, ‘doms’) can experience drop too, but it is much more common among submissives than dominants.⁹ Drop has been likened to how athletes can feel after an intense workout. The explanation typically given for drop is that the rush of endorphins along with physical exhaustion (depending on the physical intensity of the scene) can lead to feelings of fatigue, dizziness, and weakness, but there is no research testing this hypothesis.⁸ Another hypothesis is that drop might be a symptom of the exhaustion phase of a stress reaction, but this hypothesis has also not been tested.⁹ Including aftercare in BDSM practice can reduce the extent to which dominants and submissives experience drop.¹⁰ 

Safety Precautions 

Safe Words 

Before beginning any scene, all participants should establish safe words that are appropriate for the context of the scene.³ A good go-to is the aforementioned traffic light system: green for good, yellow for slow down, and red for full stop. If the submissive is going to be wearing something that hinders their ability to speak, such as a gag, a non-verbal action such as rapid blinking or dropping an object should be established in place of a safe word.³ Once someone safewords, the scene should stop and action to help the submissive should be taken immediately.³ For instance, if the submissive is tied up and uses their safe word, the dominant party should not spend time untying their ropework before attending to the submissive. It is better to cut up some rope than to have a submissive faint while the dominant tries to undo a tricky knot.¹¹ It is common to feel guilty for safewording, but it should be remembered that safewording during a scene is not a failure, but simply a form of effective communication between partners during a scene and is necessary for the safety of everyone involved. 

Bondage 

The practice of bondage involves physically restraining a person with devices or psychologically restraining them with commands as a key part of a sexual experience.⁵ There are many types of restraints used for bondage, including rope, bondage tape, silk scarves, and restraints made of leather and metal. Different materials provide different sensations and can be used to create a variety of different effects. One rule that extends to all bondage play is to never leave someone unattended while they are restrained.¹¹ Even leaving the room for a second can be dangerous if the submissive were to fall or faint. 

Rope 

Before attempting to use rope to tie someone up, we recommend getting a book or taking an introductory rope class with your partner. Rope bondage is an art form that takes years of practice to master, so it should be noted that doing so will require more effort than simply using a pair of fluffy handcuffs.¹¹ Some of the basics of tying rope include making sure the rope lays flat on the skin and ensuring that all knots are secure and so that the rope will not tighten or slip during the scene.¹¹

There are some parts of the body that require significant caution when being tied. Tying anything around one’s neck is dangerous, and even something as simple as a collar can be lethal if it is fastened too tightly.¹¹ When planning a bondage scene, it is crucial to consider what would happen if the submissive were to faint or fall over.¹¹ Ropes or chains connecting someone’s neck to a fixed point should be long enough that if the submissive were to fall to the floor, there would still be plenty of slack.¹¹ In addition, rope should never be tied in such a way that it presses on any veins or pressure points.¹¹ Wrists should always be tied facing inward to avoid putting pressure on the veins there and ties should be made above or below a joint.¹¹ Some other key areas to avoid tying are the inner biceps, inner thighs, elbows, and knees.¹¹ 

A significant concern about using rope is the fact that cutting off a submissive’s circulation can lead to lasting injury.¹¹ The best way to prevent this is by following the one finger rule: if you cannot easily slip a finger in between the rope and their skin, it is too tight.¹¹ Some warning signs of reduced circulation that indicate the submissive should be untied or cut out as soon as possible include paresthesia (pins and needles), the skin becoming blue, and numbness.¹¹

Metal and Leather Restraints

Cuffs made out of leather, metal, or synthetic material can be much easier to work with compared to rope, but there are still safety concerns to be aware of. It should always be ensured that the submissive is comfortable and that none of the restraints are digging into their skin in an uncomfortable manner.¹¹ For cuffs with locking mechanisms, the key should always be kept nearby (within reach of the submissive) in case of emergencies.¹¹ 

Breath play

Erotic asphyxiation, also referred to as breath play or choking is one of the most popular kinks, but also one of the most dangerous.⁴ We recommend attending workshops and spending significant time practicing to anyone who wishes to learn how to safely choke another person during sex. It is also beneficial to research the anatomy of the neck and how it interacts with choking. Choking someone without their consent can be extremely dangerous and scary for the person being choked, so it is crucial to discuss the possibility of choking with one’s partner well before one places their hands around a neck.¹² In addition, one should never attempt to choke themselves when they are alone. This practice, called autoerotic asphyxiation, has led to numerous deaths and should be avoided unless a consensual supervisor is present and the individuals are informed about the potential risks and dangers involved.⁴

Many people incorrectly assume that choking someone involves pressing into the front of their neck (where an Adam’s apple would be).¹² However, this can lead to coughing and suffocation. The goal of erotic choking is not to decrease air flow, but to apply gentle pressure to the sides of the esophagus.¹² Partners should communicate with each other to determine what level of pressure they are both comfortable with. It should also be ensured that the partner being choked can verbally communicate at all times. If they cannot voice words, the person doing the choking is pressing too hard and should stop immediately.¹² Taking these precautions reduces the risk of brain damage due to suffocation and makes the experience enjoyable, rather than scary, for the submissive. 

Impact Play 

Impact play is a practice that involves one or both parties receiving impact; for instance, being spanked, whipped, or flogged.⁵ A general rule for impact play is that the meatier the area of the body, the safer it is to hit.¹³ Thus, the safest areas to hit are the buttocks, thighs, legs, and breast.¹³ Major organs and the spine can be dangerous to hit, so it is recommended to avoid the stomach and lower back when engaging in impact play.¹³ Other areas to avoid include the ears, head, feet, and calves.¹³ For people new to impact play, it is recommended to start off simple by using one’s hands or a soft paddle.¹³ This will help the dominant get used to providing impact and the submissive acclimate to the sensation of being hit.¹³ Other tools such as floggers, whips, and canes, require much more skill and are generally easier to wield incorrectly, which can lead to unintended injury.¹³

Before the scene, have a conversation with your partner that addresses the following questions to ensure there is affirmative and informed consent:

• Where is it okay to hit?
• Is it okay to leave marks or bruises?
• Do you bruise easily?
• What is your safeword?
• What do you want to be hit with? 

 After an impact play scene, it is meaningful to do the appropriate aftercare including icing bruises, caring for wounds, and giving gentle massages to soothe the affected skin. 

Wax Play 

Wax play is a form of temperature play, in which hot candle wax is dripped onto a person’s bare skin.⁵ However, not any candle will do. Many household candles burn too hot or are made from materials that are not safe to apply to skin. The safest option is to buy either body-safe massage candles or body-safe candles made specifically for wax play.¹⁴ Such candles are made out of either unscented soy or paraffin wax. Soy wax has a lower melting point than paraffin wax and cools more quickly upon contact with the skin, so it is meaningful to consider how hot both parties want the wax to be before buying a candle.¹⁴ One type of wax to be cautious of is beeswax, as it has a higher melting point than soy and paraffin wax and is more likely to burn the skin.¹⁴ It is also meaningful to be mindful of any allergies or sensitivities the person being waxed may have and avoid using candles with those ingredients.¹⁵ 

Below are the melting points for common types of candle wax:¹⁴

• Soy wax: 135-145℉  or 57-63℃
• Paraffin wax: 135℉ or 57℃
• Beeswax: 145-170℉ or 63-77℃

Once a safe candle has been obtained, the participants can begin preparing for the scene. It should be set up in a place far from any flammable items and a fire extinguisher should be kept nearby.¹⁴ It can also be helpful to lay down an old sheet or something similar to make the cleanup process easier since once wax dries, it can be very difficult to clean up.¹⁴ Prepping the skin with a substantial layer of body oil can also aid in clean-up by preventing the dried wax from getting caught in any body hair.¹⁴ Any candle to be used in wax play should be burned for 20 to 30 minutes prior to being dripped on a person. The wax should then be tested by dripping a little wax onto one’s own skin first so that the dominant can know what sensations the submissive will be feeling.¹⁴ Once the wax is at an ideal temperature, the wax play can begin. It is recommended to begin dripping the wax from a high enough distance so that the wax can cool before making contact with the skin.¹⁴ Start by dripping the wax on less sensitive parts of the body, such as the arms and back, and working towards the more sensitive areas, such as the inner thighs and stomach. It is advised to avoid dripping wax above the shoulders as this could result in hot wax entering the submissive’s eyes, mouth, or nose.¹⁵ Wax play should proceed slowly and communication between all participants should be maintained throughout the entire experience. 

Concluding Remarks 

The information provided in this article is a basic overview of how to make some common BDSM activities safer, but it is by no means meant to be a totally comprehensive guide to conducting BDSM safely. For anyone interested in learning more about BDSM, we recommend going to one’s local sex shop or dungeon to get personalized advice from experts on sex toys and BDSM. We also recommend referencing a couple books or articles explicitly about beginner BDSM, which can be more informative in regards to the specifics of BDSM practices. There are even resources tailored to specific kinks, if one is interested in obtaining even more in-depth information on a specific practice. In conclusion, creating a safe environment for BDSM involves informed consent, communication, care, and caution. Before beginning any BDSM practices, make sure to do your own research on how to play safely and continue to adjust your practice to the needs and desires of both yourself and your partner. BDSM can be a wonderful way for partners to spice up their sex lives, as long as you are doing it safely. 

References

1. Fanghanel, A. (2020). Asking for it: BDSM sexual practice and the trouble of consent. Sexualities, 23(3), 269-286. 
2. Williams, D. J., Thomas, J. N., Prior, E. E., & Christensen, M. C. (2014). From “SSC” and “RACK” to the “4Cs”: Introducing a new framework for negotiating BDSM participation. Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, 17(5), 1-10.
3. Dunkley, C. R., & Brotto, L. A. (2020). The Role of Consent in the Context of BDSM. Sexual Abuse, 32(6), 657–678. 
4. Schori, A., Jackowski, C. & Schön, C.A. (2022). How safe is BDSM? A literature review on fatal outcomes in BDSM play. Int J Legal Med, 136, 287–295. 
5. Veaux, F. (2018). Dictionary of BDSM Terms. https://www.xeromag.com/fvbdglossary.html 
6. Bennet, Theodore. (2018). “Unorthodox Rules”: The Instructive Potential of BDSM Consent for Law. Journal of Positive Sexuality, 4(1). 
7. Thorn, Kathy. (April 26, 2021). What is BDSM Aftercare? Lelo. 
8. Ansara, Y. G. (2019). Trauma psychotherapy with people involved in BDSM/kink: Five common misconceptions and five essential clinical skills. Psychotherapy and Counseling Journal of Australia, 7(2), 1-26.
9.  Sprott, R. A., & Randall, A. (2016). Black and blues: Sub drop, top drop, event drop and scene drop. Journal of Positive Sexuality, 2(3), 53-61.
10. Mistress Michelle. (September 21, 2020). Impact Play – Aftercare. Domme’s Life
11. Restrained Elegance. Basic Bondage Safety. 
12. Engle, Gigi. (July 21, 2020). Why Some People are Turned on by Choking During Sex–and How to do it Safely, According to Experts. Men’s Health. 
13. Mistress Michelle. (September 11, 2021). Impact Play – Safety. Domme’s Life. 
14. SexTalkAbout Admin. (June 24, 2018). Wax Play.
15. Tequilarose. BDSM How To: Wax Play. SubmissiveGuide.

Last updated on 3/6/22